Thousands of Victorian children will be spared the annual capitalist indoctrination this year as our dear leader of human happiness rejects an application for a 14 day quarantine exception from Mr Santa Claus and his various alias’.
“I can’t believe this super spreader of capitalist filth thought he’d qualify for Class A status” Comrade Andrews shared at the weekly PRV meeting on Tuesday night.
Although the COVID-19 management plan submitted by Santa was biologically sound as:
- The North Pole has not recorded a single case of COVID-19 (or any illness given the inhabitants are immortal and magical).
- Santa uses QR codes to record where and when he visits.
- The food and drink left for Santa are consumed by the elves who cannot catch or transmit COVID-19 as they aren’t human.
- Santa phase shifts into and out of buildings, a process that destroys any biological material. Therefore Santa can’t transmit COVID-19 or any biological material from house to house.
Santa, however, could not agree with the primary requirement for Victorian Class A status – he refused to release all the correspondence from Victorian children to the government communications team.
For Comrade Dan this was an apparent attempt to challenge his authority. It is well known that many children from capitalist leaning households think Scott Morrison is Santa and affectionately refer to him as ScoMo. By seeking to develop a relationship with a foreign power (outside of Victoria) the letters written by the children of capitalist families seeking goods for endorsement is verging on a treasonous act. Santa’s refusal to provide the letters is a clear attempt to undermine Comrade Andrews authority and just one of many reasons Santa cannot be granted Class A status.
However, all is not lost. For the unfortunate children that Santa will not visit this year, Brett “Squealer” Sutton has kindly offered to grow his beard, put on a few kilos and distribute climate friendly, organic nic naks that he has knocked up in his shed at shopping centres around Melbourne.